The worst part? I didn't even try to negotiate
Q: In your documentary, you mentioned regretting not speaking up earlier in your marriage. What
specifically do you wish you’d said to Barack?
Michelle: (leans back, hands clasped)
Oh, it wasn’t about just one conversation—it was about the
thousand tiny silences. When Barack was serving as a state senator, his schedule was grueling.
He’d
leave the house at 7 AM and return at 10 PM. Meanwhile, I was balancing my work at the hospital,
Malia’s asthma treatments, and the never-ending pile of laundry. One night, I snapped. I looked
at him and
said, “You get to save the world while I’m home counting Cheerios!”
(pauses, a rueful smile)
He said, “This is temporary, Mich.” But temporary turned into eight years in Springfield, then
in the U.S. Senate, and,
well... now you see where we are. My biggest regret? Believing that “strong women handle it
alone.” I
should’ve told him, “Your dreams can’t trample mine.” That was a hard lesson to learn.
Q: You left corporate law for nonprofit work during that time. Do you consider that a compromise?
Michelle: Absolutely. When I was at Sidley Austin, I was Michelle Robinson—the rising star, a
mentor, a
future partner. But when Barack decided to run for Congress in 2000, I walked away from that
career to
join his campaign. The worst part? I didn’t even try to negotiate. I just became the candidate’s
wife.
That’s the trap we fall into. We teach girls resilience, to push through no matter what, but we
don’t
teach them how to say, “This isn’t working. I need something different.”
Q: Do you think younger women face the same pressures today?
(Nods thoughtfully) I'd argue it’s worse now. Social media adds a new layer of pressure. It’s
not just about balancing work and kids; now you have to curate a perfect life. When I was
struggling in 2004, there was no Instagram reminding me of my inadequacies. No photos of perfect
family meals or “#PerfectLife.” Today’s women don’t get the luxury of avoiding that comparison.
4o mini
4o mini
Failure is an important part of your growth!
In her memoir Becoming, Michelle writes about how couples counseling during Barack’s presidency helped
them rebuild communication. “We learned to fight fair,” she shared. Her journey with Barack, full of
compromises and tough conversations, is a testament to the importance of speaking up for one’s own
needs, even in the most demanding of relationships.
